Kinky Vocab

Abuse: Violating a person’s consent and boundaries in a harmful way. Treating someone with cruelty or violence, outside the container of consensual negotiated play.

Aftercare: After a scene, emotionally or physically caring for your partner checking in on their emotional and physical state. Typically involves cuddling, hydrating, talking or messaging, etc.

BDSM: An acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. These broadly represent the major historical categories of practicing kinky dynamics or play.

BDSMtest.org: A highly-used litmus test to see where you line up on various flavors of kinky play, and a fun tool to compare notes on with partners.

Bottom: The person on the receiving end of kinky or sexual action (in kink context, the “bottom” is often synonymous with “submissive”).

Consent: An ongoing, mutual agreement that certain things (kinky, sexy, or otherwise) may happen. Consent covers any physical or mental engagement in kink, from sensation play, to mental play, to relational dynamics, and more. My blog “Consent: More Than Yes and No” covers this in depth!

Dominant: The person giving the kinky action (to a bottom or a sub). In kink, “top” is often synonymous with “dominant.”

Dungeon (or studio): A professional, dedicated kinky play and social space where people go to have kinky and/or sexy fun. Some are members on, many require some form of vetting, and all should value privacy and safety.

Dynamic: An ongoing, negotiated relationship involving power exchange.

Fetish: A fixation (usually sexual) on a particular object or body part - usually based in objectification.

Fetlife.com (Fet): An old-school social website for kinksters.

Four Pillars of BDSM: Intimacy, Affection, Communication (or Honesty), Sex.

FRIES: A consent acronym for Freely Given, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific.

Limits: The boundaries a person has around what kinky or sexual activity they’re comfortable with and willing to do. Hard limit: An area or activity you absolutely will not engage in/do. Soft limit: An area you might be willing to consider including but has to be thoroughly discussed, or an area that requires extreme caution.

Munch: A purely social event designed to give kinky people a place to connect and build community outside the dungeon or play parties.

Negotiation: The collaboration process between a dominant (dom) and submissive (sub) to agree on the boundaries for their play or dynamic.

Play Party: A party where kinky people have kinky fun - sometimes hsoted at dungeons, sometimes privately.

Power Exchange: A consensual and negotiated relationship dynamic where one person (the dominant) is given control to exercises authority over their partner (the submissive), who willingly relinquishes some or all of their power, within the container of the scene or kink dynamic. Power exchange is the foundation of kink and is thus based in communication and trust, so both people can explore their desires and boundaries within a safe and structured environment. If you’re a gamer, it’s a core mechanic of the “game” we design for ourselves when we negotiate kinky play.

PRICK: A consent acronym for Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink.

Safer sex: The practice of reducing risk around sex (STI testing, using barriers, avoiding fluid exchange, etc.).

Safeword: An agreed-upon word that either a submissive or dominant can use to stop a scene. Common safewords include include "red," "pineapple," "banana," and “safeword” itself is an acceptable and commonly used safeword, especially in dungeons.

Scene: A negotiated kinky session or encounter.

SSC: A consent acronym for practicing kink in a Safe, Sane, and Consensual way.

Status: STI status. Most kinksters test for STIs regularly - providing test results to new sexual partners should be standard even if you’re vanilla, but is expected in the kink scene as part of the safety and honesty the scene requires.

Submissive (Sub): The person on the receiving end of kinky action (in kink context, “sub” is often synonymous with “bottom”).

Top: The person giving the kinky or sexual action (to a bottom or a sub). In kink, “top” is often synonymous with “dominant.”

Traffic Light System: a common framework for graduated consent. “Red” mean to stop the scene, Yellow means pause or slow down, and Green means it feels good, you can keep going. See my blog “Consent: More Than Yes and No” for a breakdown of the Traffic Light System.

Yes, No, Maybe: A list of kinky or sexual activities you are into, aren’t into, and might be interested in trying. If you’re a nerd (I am), it’s a useful tool when discussing play with a potential new partner to see where you line up.