I speak a lot about kink, bodily sovereignty, and consent - in fact, most kinksters talk a lot about consent, starting with the baseline “Safe, Sane, Consensual” safety framework that we apply to most play (there are a few good acronyms for consent you can research). I also come from a background of Evangelical Purity Culture - a framework that does not teach consent in a meaningful way - when your body “isn’t your own,” you can’t truly give consent because a) your parent or future spouse might not like it and b) “god says” you’re not supposed to have sex. But our bodies are our own, and only we truly have the power to determine what we want to do with them, who we want to share our bodies with - sexually or otherwise.

Boxing requires consent; otherwise it’s just a fight.
Sex requires consent; otherwise it’s sexual assault or rape.
Kink scenes and relationships (dynamics) require consent; otherwise they’re abuse.

In order to engage in a scene or a dynamic (or in a sexual encounter), you have to establish consent!

So What Is Consent?

Consent is an ongoing, mutual agreement that certain things may happen. This applies to more than just sex - consent covers any physical or mental engagement, from sensation play, to mental play, to relational dynamics, and more. Consent, in sexual play or BDSM, requires an understanding of your own body and boundaries that can only be obtained through self exploration and examination. You don’t need to understand everything about yourself or your subconscious to engage in kinky play or in sex (exploring is fun!), but a baseline understanding of what you are comfortable with - and perhaps more importantly, what you’re NOT comfortable with, is required to engage in healthy play.

My favorite consent framework is F.R.I.E.S. - an acronym for the key components of consent:

Freely Given: Consent should not be coerced, pressured, or forced in any way. You cannot coerce someone into “accepting” an action and call it consent. That is coercion, abuse, assault, or rape. The introduction of alcohol or drugs can alter your state of mind such that it renders consent meaningless - just ask Diddy.
Reversible: Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even if it was previously given. Consent isn’t a one-time thing at the start of a scene or relationship. Marital rape was only legally recognized in the US when we as a society recognized that assenting to marriage does not entitle one spouse to the other’s body for their sexual gratification.
Informed: People can only consent to something if they are fully aware of what they are agreeing to. Everyone involved knows what they’re getting into (and if there’s a play element of novelty or surprise, they know where the limits are).
Enthusiastic: Consent should be given with genuine excitement and desire, not out of obligation or pressure. “Enthusiasm” can become complex if we’re discussing “consensual non-consent,” (CNC) play, but it’s important to understand that all kink is play - and that play happens within a container that you co-create via negotiation. Even if you’re engaging in free use, somniphilia, or simulated abduction or primal hunt play where you’re playing a less-than-enthusiastic participant, that’s all you’re doing. You are playing - and you need to be enthusiastic about the game you’re planning to play when you negotiate its rules. Read up on this on the Obedience App’s resource page on CNC.
Specific: Consent to one activity does not imply consent to another. Understand exactly what you are agreeing to doing or not doing. What is on and off the table? What are each person’s limits that are not to be crossed? If you’ve consented to kissing, for example, it doesn’t follow that you’ve consented to oral sex. If you were down to have sex with someone last week, you’re not obligated to have sex with the same partner next week.

Ongoing communication is also key for consent: it's not enough to get consent once at the beginning of an interaction, it needs to be checked and re-obtained throughout, especially with newer partners or when playing with riskier elements (“edge play,” including CNC). This is why it’s important to establish expectations during negotiation, so you know when you’re within bounds, and when you may be approaching a boundary and need to check in. It’s also why the kink community uses safe words and check-in frameworks. - the most common of which is the traffic light system. The below excerpt is from the Obedience App’s resources page:

Green: Green usually means yes, this is amazing; please continue!” It’s a way to show a Dom that you are happy to continue enthusiastically and that you are enjoying something. It can also be a way to indicate that you want the intensity level upped.
Yellow: This can mean anything from slow down and let's take a breather to it is too intense. It's a great way to let your partner know that they are nearing your limits and allows them to back off and switch it up. It allows them to know to stay at the level of intensity they are at and that you are happy with the current level of things.
Red: This can either mean to stop or that your partner has hit your limits and should back off. Once you have had a cooling-off period, you may find that you are happy to move back to a yellow or a green to proceed.

**Regularly checking in with your partner is crucial to ensure they’re comfortable and consenting at each stage!**

I always use the traffic light system with new partners. If I’m dommeing/topping, I frequently check in by asking “How’s this?” or “What’s your color?” - if my partner says “green,” I know our activity is within our negotiated boundaries and can continue. “Yellow” makes me pause to check in with more detail - Is the flogger hitting too hard? Do you need a moment to breathe or drink water? Once you’re both on the same page about what your sub needs, they can make the call whether they want to continue or stop. “Red” functions the same as a safeword - this doesn’t call for just a pause, it indicates we need to stop what we’re doing and transition to aftercare.

Doms can safeword , too! Kinky play is based on power exchange, but both parties in a kinky dynamic ultimately retain their full autonomy outside the “container” of play or dynamic. If a sub/bottom is asking for something beyond the dom’s boundaries, or something they haven’t negotiated, the dom can (and should) pause or stop to check in.

Ongoing and specific consent is about respecting your partner's autonomy, and ensuring that they are actively and enthusiastically agreeing to each step of the interaction. It's about open communication and respecting boundaries at all times - and when you do the work to negotiate at the outset, you’re set up for success. Now go negotiate yourself some fun, secure, consensual play!

Consent: More Than Yes And No